My Cousin Jonathan Blog

Today is the yahrzeit for Joni. The family is having an azkara at the grave. This song by Pantera, that Joni loved, will be recited, in Hebrew, at the grave.

Its been five years without Joni.

Although its not clear what really happened to Yossi, I would be interested in finding out more.
http://myfriendyossi.blogspot.com/

Although Hella Winston's book has been on the market for quite a few months I just got around to reading it now. And of course, I feel the need to offer my opinion of it.
The description of the Hasidic community in this book so closely matches everything that Jonathan ever said to me about the community. In many ways, the story of "Yossi" - the Hasid trying to get out - and Jonathan - the Hasid trying to get in - are parallel. I saw so many similarities between these to characters. From personality traits to situations they found themselves in. But most striking is the way in which they describe the community.

I only hope Jonathan knows this book has been written. H would appreciate it so much. In agreement with Hella Winston, he strongly felt that the tactics used by the Hasidim to keep their community insular have lead to problems within the community. I often thought Jonathan was paranoid. He would describe to me how people would watch his every move. He feared that they being caught doing the "wrong thing" would hurt his chances for a Shidduch. The "wrong thing" often consisted of being seen with me. The time he broke his leg and I came to Boro Park to bring him to the doctor he asked me to pick him up on the outskirts of town. He hobbled to some corner so that no one would see us. Turns out, they were looking. I had no idea.

By the time I helped him move he was a little less concerned with prying eyes. I was pregnant and come to help him after work. I was sooooo hungry. We went together to a kosher hamburger joint in Boro Park. I took my hat off only for a moment to adjust it. Later he told me that everyone was staring at us. I thought he was crazy. Why would anyone care? Oh, but they do. Turns out, he was right.

I'm so happy this book was written. It almost feels as if my story was put into a book, and Jonathan's viewpoint gets to be heard. Thank you Hella.

I received a message today from Glen. He is writing a very moving blog. http://glenh.blogspot.com/

I am working on a project for the HODS.org - Halachic Organ Donor Society. I wonder what Jonathan would have thought about it. Jews are obligated to donate organs upon death and most Jews think that we are not allowed. I am working towards changing that misconception.

Four years tonight on the Jewish Calendar. I will light a candle for Jonathan.

June 14. Fours years today on the secular calendar.

I was at work on Thursday and I really needed a candy bar. So I went to the candy machine and the vendor, a hassid, was refilling the machine. Although he was talking on his cell in Yiddish, he turned to me and spoke in perfect English. He said I could give him the money and he would give me the candy bar. The candy was 75 cents. I gave him a dollar and said kit kat please. He handed me the kit kat and change. I put out my hand, expecting him to drop it into my hand so as not to touch me. This is what Jonathan always did. That is why I expected it. But this Hassid is very different than Jonathan. He handed me the candy and change in such a way that he had to touch my hand. I was so surprised! His hands were rough. Its not like I don't count, like when the hasids go to prostitutes and they figure it doesn't count because the girls aren't Jewish. I am clearly, in my manner of dress, an orthodox Jewish, married woman. What was he thinking?

And these are the times I miss Jonathan the most. The times when we could talk for hours about a run in with a hasid.

I recieved this email:

"Hi,
I met your cousin Jonathan obm serveral times . He seemed a very sensitive caring kind soul. I remember him remarking to my uncle how he admired me for rebelling against my upbringing and going to college etc. I run a blog which you may find interesting http://chassidusinterrupted.blogspot.com/

Much success"

I rememember Jonathan telling me about friends that he had that broke out of the community. He spoke about wanting to change places with them. He could pretend to be them, have a pedigree so he could get married, and in exchange, he would help them get out of the community, since he had connections on the outside. He would joke that he could run an "underground railroad".

Jonathan had this fabulous oil menorah. He said it was a Hasidic Menorah. Each year since his death I would light his menorah, and cry. I would think how his last year he kept saying, "its hanukkah, and I can't believe i'm still alive." That last year he had to buy a new menorah because he couldn't find the one he had. He didn't think he was going to need it. but, by some miracle, he lasted another year.

This year my oldest daughter (age 7) asked me not to light Jonathan's menorah, because whenever I light it I would cry. And she doesn't want me to cry. So this year, I kept Joni's menorah in the closet, and we lit candles on the menorah's that my children made in their classes.

Maybe next year I'll buy an oil menorah of my own.

Happy Hanukkah.

So i really should stop checking the hasidic rebel and know that he's not coming back. But i found these two:

The Sheigetz

In particular, in his post of nov 18 he speaks of the problems with finding a wife in that community, and it only reinforces what Jonathan told me. Sometimes i find it so hard to believe, but then i read it from someone on the inside!

and, I just enjoy reading this:

The Hassid and a Heretic

Photograph by Gabriella Panina Sugar.

This photograph reminds me of Joni and Miki

This is the note Jonathan wrote to me on August 11, 2001.

This note says:
To Debby
I really like talking with you
and you i like you. you
were the one when there was
no one else. I am sorry
about this tragedy
in general and this one
in particular was inevitable.
please make my story heard
as much as you can. Don't
feel hurt about it. This is
the only chance for some positive
change. Especially when the
hasidim would know exactly
what went on. so the positive
parts inside them are the girls
might wake up into some
action. I hope
Love you and cherish you
Jonathan

When Miki came to New York to collect Jonathan's things, we found this note, along with a note to his previous landlord and a note to his family in Netanya. Although the envelope says, "time of execution, August 11, 2000" the actual date of his suicide was June 14, 2001.
Thank you, Mordechai, for keeping him alive an extra 10 months.
Thank you, Miki, for coming to New York, October 2000. I think this helped keep him alive the extra 10 months.

Today is my wedding anniversary. I have been married 13 years to a wonderful man, and have two wonderful children.

Time of Execution 8/11/2000

Written on the back of the note to Mr and Mrs. Gross, his landlord in Brooklyn. Joni actually stayed alive until June 14, 2001

Suicide note to Mr. Gross

On August 11, 2000 Jonathan was planning his suicide. He wrote his notes - two to the landlord, one to me, and one to his family in Netanya.
I knew this was coming and I was doing everything I could to keep him alive. One of the things I told him was that if he killed himself I wanted nothing to do with him. I told him he shouldn't pin my telephone number on his dead body. I told him to write down the telephone number in Netanya and let them deal with it. I begged him not to kill himself. I begged him to give me a goodbye call. I was advised by the Suicide hotline to ask him to promise to say goodbye to me. This way, I might be able to stop it. To call the police when I got the goodbye call. Joni promised he would call. Joni lied.
On June 14, 2001 Joni called his brother, Miki, in Netanya, to say goodbye. Miki called me. By the time the police arrived it was too late.
This note was found July 2001 in a bag filled with underwear, in his apartment. Joni planned his suicide and then told Mordechai his plan. Then he agreed to accept Mordechai's help and moved into Mordechai's apartment. He lived there for 10 months before he actually killed himself. This note was not tacked to him, it is for the previous landlord. Notice that although he promised to leave me out of it, he leaves my phone number and my name and address and cell phone number (a part I blocked out).

This note says:

8/11/2000
To Miss and Mr Gross
I'm am sorry about what
you see. Please call my cousin
in Long Island (phone #) for
collecting my stuff. I have enjoyed
your hospitality. it's nothing personal.
Call (my phone number and address)
ask for Deborah

Tzemach Atlas is "overwhelmed by sadness for jonathan".

me too.


http://www.mentalblog.com/

Tamara, "the fourth rabbi" is also feels sad from joni's story.

http://fourthrabbi.blogspot.com/



thank you.

Birthday Card July 2000

Jonathan wasn't one to celebrate birthdays and he thought it was funny that I would want my family to acknowledge me on my birthday. He also thought it was funny when i gave him a card and a gift. But in July 2000 he wanted to make me happy so he bought me this card and he gave it to me.
I keep this card in a drawer. Each year on my birthday (which just passed) it seems to surface.

Jonathan gave me this birthday card July 2000.

Jonathan wrote on the card (I'm correcting some of the spelling):
To my best friend DeBi
I wish you a happy 23 (38)
years old birthday. Keep on
being the angel as you were.
hope to meet you until i'm
30 or 40 or who knows forever maybe
your friend and cousin,
Jonathan

And the explanation is:

First, we used to joke that although i was 38 years old, i was a young 38, like only 23.
Jonathan had given me, what we called, "the angel speech." This means that he told me that i was an angel sent to help him. (I did my best). But the speech was very long and very intense when he gave it to me. And he used to refer to it when he needed me to do something. I was his angel.
Third, as you can see, the suicide was always looming. At this point in time, things weren't going so badly, so he thought he would stick around to 30 or 40 or maybe longer.

This is my cousin Jonathan in New York in the year 2000. He was 22 years old. 

The Mikveh

Before Jonathan came to New York we spoke via IM. So he asked me, is my house glatt kosher? He was also going to stay with my parents and needed to know if their house is kosher. I said yes, our houses are kosher. He wanted to know if we had dunked our dishes in the mikveh. Well, honestly, this was news to me. I mentioned it to my parents. They said that when they made their house kosher (in 1978 when my sister and I decided that we were going to keep kosher) some Chabbad guy had come to the house, taken all the dishes away, and brought them to a mikveh. So their house was mostly covered, although who knew what dishes had been dunked and what was new. Anyway, Joni agreed to eat on paper in my house, but I couldn't cook for him. And I wanted my house to be more kosher. So we agreed he'd help me with the dishes when he got here.

When Jonathan came to New York it was the summer. I didn't know where a dish mikveh was. But Joni said we could take the dishes to any body of running water - and I live near Jones Beach. We started with the meat dishes, pots, pans, silver. We loaded up the car. My car was packed with dishes. We drove to the beach. We couldn't go to the bathing part of the beach, first because Jonathan didn't want to see girls in bikini's. But also because it would have been too far a walk from the car to the ocean with all those dishes. So I found a spot on the side of the road. We had to walk a few feet down a small hill. With all those dishes. Him in his Hasidic garb, me in my jeans. We carried all the dishes. He said a prayer, I handed him the dishes, we dunked the dishes, we broke a Tiffany bowl, we loaded up the car again, and went home. Then he was able to eat in my home.

Time passed and we decided we should dunk more dishes. Some dairy dishes, the dairy silver, and a few more pots and pans. Now it was probably right before he went to Brooklyn so it must have been late September or October. We loaded up the car again and off we went. Him in his Hasidic garb, me in my jeans. But this time I found a spot along the side of the road that didn't have a hill, where we could park closer to the water. We unloaded the car and waded into the water. He said a prayer, we dunked the dishes, loaded up the car and went home. The problem this time was that it was getting cold out. So wading into the water made us very cold. It wasn't as much fun!

Pesach. Jonathan suggests we dunk the Passover dishes. Ok. But this time we get smart. Since its April and its still cold Jonathan suggests we buy those wading boot/pants that fisherman wear. Like I said before, he is also frugal. So he didn't want us to spend too much for this escapade. I called a few bait and tackle stores and they wanted around $125 per pair. And we each needed a pair. Sports Authority had them for $15. Off we went. I bought two pair. It was a Friday. We loaded up the car with the Passover dishes, pots and pans. We took our green wading pants and went to the beach. I pulled off of the Wantagh Parkway drove right up on the beach, in my brand new Nissan Altima. I parked on the sand.

We put on our wading pants, we unloaded the car, brought the dishes to the ocean. Jonathan said a prayer, we dunked dishes. This took a really long time. The tide came in. The car got stuck. THE CAR GOT STUCK. Good thing I had my cell phone and belong to Triple A. I called Triple A to tow the car. I called my mom. Didn't tell her where I was, most of my family thought my activities with Jonathan were just crazy. But I asked her to take my daughter to her gymnastics class. (Thank G-d for my mom. She's just amazing). The tow truck came and didn't even ask what we were doing there. I came home, washed all the dishes. I think Jonathan got stuck at our house for shabbat since it got so late and he didn't have time to go home.

At the Seder, my cousin Rebecca wanted to know why she had seaweed on her wine glass. And my husband wanted to know what all the sand was doing in the car. He was not a fan of taking all the dishes to the beach.



Jonathan at the beach wearing his wading pants. 

While Jonathan was living with the Sheingarten's he decided to go on a taanit dibor. He stopped talking. He said it was a fast from talking in order to find more spirituality in his life. He also said he wanted to out-crazy the crazy hasids. Not sure which. Maybe a little of both.

Friday was his day to visit me. He didn't study on Friday. He would take the train from Brooklyn and call me from the train station. This particular Friday I didn't get a phone call. Given that he was suicidal I worried.

He had walked to my house from the train station. He wasn't talking. He couldn't call. Its about one mile. Jonathan walked really slow. When he first came here he seemed like he did it on purpose because he thought he was royalty. Then I thought it had something to do with the depression. Anyway, he was sticking to the taanit dibor, so couldn't call, so he walked the mile from the Long Island Rail Road to my house.

This not talking made me angry. I was furious. I liked when he talked! He sent me a letter. I have posted his letter to me, below.

I think he kept this up for about 10 days. At some point, the Sheingartens called me. They were trying to get him to move out of their house and he wasn't talking. They didn't know if he understood that he had to leave. They didn't understand why he wasn't talking! I don't think they ever heard of a taanit dibor.

They put him on the phone with me and he grunted a few responses. He understood what they were saying. They finally started screaming at him and he broke the taanit dibor. This made him very angry with them!



Taanit Dibor letter 
Click on the letter to enlarge.

This is what it says. I am going to make some corrections on the spelling. He mentions a doctor's appointment. I think this is a follow up from the time he fell down the stairs and broke his leg.

Dear Deborah
I won't probably be able to come to you this shabbos because I have some things here to arrange and the time won't allow me to come and also the next week because I have a doctor apointment at 1 o'clock.

I am fine. How are you? Don't be upset about the thing with the talking. Its a very special tool. I am feeling much more peaceful with myself now. Its another world at all. I am less vulnerable and getting "screwed". Also by them. I'm sure it will make things happen much faster for the good with much less suffering.

I am seeing it now. You are existing in my mind. I'm seeing you in all differrnt light now. I wish you could see and feel what I see and feel now. It's something out of this world.

Love you and waiting to see you soon.

Your friend and cousin
Jonathan

Yeshiva Emergency phone numbers.
1-718.......

I asked Jonathan more than once, once he started talking again, to explain this letter. What was he seeing and feeling? He never did explain.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Wow. Check out this blog about a Baal Teshuvah. Baaltshuvah
This guy is going to change his last name because his last name doesn't sound Jewish and its not going to help him in the shidduch process. Jonathan also changed his last name. Not legally. But he started telling all the matchmakers his name was "Alias". Of course, his name is "Alliel", a perfectly good Jewish-Sephardic name. But it didn't work well in the hasidic community and so he needed to change it. He told many many matchmakers this new name. Even one's he had met with his old name, he just called up and told them he was someone else. They speak to so many people he said they didn't even notice.

He also had to make up a pedigree, which was a half truth. Something about his grandfather being a hasidic rabbi, which may or may not have been true. Anyway, he did have grandparents from Russia (that's how i'm related to him).

Good luck to Moyshe. I hope it all works out better for you!


// posted by deborah @ 8:03 PM (0) comments
Comment (0)
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
June 21, 2004. Yesterday.
Yesterday was Jonathan's birthday. He would have been 26. Miki listened to his favorite music. I went shopping. Joni and I used to shop together.

Its been 3 years since his death. I'm still grieving. I'm still getting calls from the "Kosher Gym" in Brooklyn. NO. He does not want to continue his membership. He killed himself.

Its been 3 years. His mom recently passed away. Whatever her medical condition (ovarian cancer). I think she died of a broken heart. She was in her 50s.

Last night my husband and I discussed the things that joni used to do to make us laugh. He had a dark sense of humor.

I'm still grieving.

// posted by deborah @ 3:09 PM (0) comments
Comment (0)
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
I'd like to suggest a book. "Chosen by God a brother's journey" by Joshua Hammer.
Jewishfamily.com || Culture

// posted by deborah @ 1:33 AM
Comment (0)
Monday, February 09, 2004
Every day something reminds me of Jonathan. A movie, a hasid on the street, a song. I recently saw the movie "The Believer." The plot follows a yeshiva boy gone (quite) astray--in fact, so off-course that the boy grows into a neo-Nazi and then commits suicide inside of a synagogue. In the end, protagonist becomes as Jewish as he can, goes to shul on Yom Kippur, and blows himself up. I see a parallel between that movie and what Joni did. He got a Jewish as he could. He became a Hasid, and then hung himself, in his apartment in Brooklyn, with his gartel.
May he rest in peace.

// posted by deborah @ 12:29 PM
Comment (0)
Monday, October 13, 2003
I really like reading this blog - Only in Israel . Its a blog that bills itself as - "Presenting thoughts of an 18 y/o with waaaaay too much time on his hands." Here is a boy who is in the IDF discussing his thoughts about being in the army and in basic training. He says, "The last month made me feel like a real fighter, other than learning to throw granades, we practiced shooting in various forms, kneeling, lying down, standing, at night, at day."

I like reading this blog but it is also very painful. Its painful that our world needs to have this army to protect Israel and that there doesn't seem to be a way to find peace.

I remember when my cousin Miki was in the army. I found that experience very painful. but I was also very proud of him. I used to joke that Miki was in his uniform (IDF) and Jonathan was in his (Hasidic Garb).

// posted by deborah @ 9:59 PM
Comment (0)
Friday, October 10, 2003
I just saw this:

Hasidic News http://hasidicnews.com/FAQ/FAQ.htm#20

What is the Hasidic attitude towards "Baalei Teshuva" and converts?
Hasidim, like the rest of the Orthodox community strongly discourage people from converting to Judaism. This is according to the Talmudic law. They do, however, encourage Jews who have wandered astray to "return". Chabad is famous for being intimately involved in reaching out to worldwide Jewry, making them aware of their heritage and trying to bring them closer to Orthodox observance, although they will certainly feel immensely satisfied from even a single act of Tefillin. Other Hasidic communities will definitely readily accept any returnee; yet, it would be very hard if at all possible for any non-Hasid-born, let alone non-observant born person to effectively absorb in the Hasidic community.

HA! no kidding. Jonathan was just trying to change that.

// posted by deborah @ 1:30 PM
Comment (0)
Thursday, October 09, 2003
Jonathan arrived in New York on July 26, 1999. He entered the USA with a French passport and visa waiver for three months. Jonathan's father is a French citizen who made aliya (moved to Israel) in the seventies. Jonathan was Israeli. He was also a French citizen. Obtaining a visa to enter the United States is difficult for an Israeli. That is why he used his French passport.

Jonathan was allowed to stay in the USA for 90 days. He had 90 days to either get married or leave. He had "Plan A" and "Plan "B. Plan A was to get married and go back to Israel with his wife. He also had a fantasy about taking his wife and going to medical school in France. That was part of Plan A. "Plan B" was his suicide.

Jonathan did not want to be in the United States illegally. He never wanted to do anything that was illegal. After three months he was still in New York and still not married. He wanted to figure out a way that he could stay here, legally. He thought that all he had to do was leave the country and then return. He developed a plan in which he would go to Canada for a day and turn around and come back. He needed help with this plan, and I was always there to help him. As crazy as any of it seemed to me.

I have a friend, a Gentile, named Mary. Mary lives in upstate New York, somewhat near the Canadian border. I met Mary in College and we were good friends for many years. I'm not really sure what happened but by 1999 we hadn't spoken for a few years.

Mary grew up in a small town near Plattsburg New York. I think I was the first Jewish person that Mary ever met. In college we became great friends. Since Mary lived near the Canadian border I enlisted her help in Jonathan's trip across the border.

I called her to explain the predicament. Mary was happy to help. She advised us that you have to leave for two weeks and then return. Jonathan thought he could cross the border and then just come right back. She advised us to call the border police to see if this was a viable plan. The border police told me that he would not be allowed back for two weeks. Jonathan had a friend who said he left and came and it was fine. Jonathan wanted to try. Mary said she would help.

There was a bus from Port Authority to Plattsburgh. Mary was going to pick Jonathan up at the bus stop and drive him across the border and back. He was going to stay one night at Mary's house - where she lives with her husband and her elderly mother.

So I told Mary about Jonathan's peculiarities. Do not touch Jonathan. Jonathan would bring his own kosher food (anyway, he never ate much). He liked to drink Coke. And I explained about the Hasidic clothes. I don't know if she ever saw a Hasid before, unless she saw the movie, "A Stranger Among Us." Mary, my dear friend, was willing to go along with it.

The bus left Port Authority early in the morning. Jonathan was going to call me from the bus station to tell me that he was on his way so that I could alert Mary. I was waiting for his call. But I didn't hear from him until late at night.

What happened to Jonathan on the night before he was supposed to go to Canada?

Jonathan was still living with the Sheingarten's. He was standing at the top of the stairs and he just collapsed. He landed at the bottom of the stairs and he was in a lot of pain. At first, the Sheingarten's were annoyed with him. What an inconvenience to have a nebuch at the bottom of the stairs! But they called Hatzalah (the Jewish ambulance) anyway. He was taken to the Hospital for Joint Diseases in New York. He broke his leg and it was put in a cast and he was given crutches. He was in that cast for six weeks.

Jonathan never made it to Canada. We also realized that he was supposed to leave the country after 90 days. We had thought it was three months. The day he was planning on going was actually one day too late anyway.

So he remained in New York illegally (as many immigrants do) until June 14, 2001 when his dead body was shipped back to Netanya.

I would like to thank Mary for her willingness to help, even though she thought he might get stuck in Canada.

And I'd like to thank Jonathan. If it weren't for him I would not have called my friend Mary again. Since that time we have been in touch again. We speak on the phone, we send email and we even spent a vacation together. That is another one of the good things Jonathan left me with -- my renewed friendship with Mary. Jonathan, if you have access to this blog, know that I am thanking you.

// posted by deborah @ 8:30 PM

http://www.mycousinjonathan2.blogspot.com/

www.mycousinjonathan.blogspot.com

So I've decided to move the My Cousin Jonathan Rememberances blog to here - which was a continutation of my cousin jonathan. Blogger has added new features and I want to use them. So here I am, moving the blog, again.